fatalism takes the edge off

on sunday, riding in a bus from new hampshire to boston, i asked for a sign. because i need them desperately during moments like these. 

jules verne,  my best friend graciany; a couple of the most notable since i asked 36 hours or so ago. 

last night a mission became clear to me. then the thought, it's time to run and win this race. looking the fellow race horse's in the eye for the first time, i knew i couldn't let them beat me. not for selfish pride, but for the greater good of mankind. 

illuminating needs to occur. the great work begins?

back to school?

i couldn't listen to my three favorite albums by kanye west for three weeks. i already miss being a college dropout. it's so obnoxious the way my friend's eyes light up when i tell them i'm going back. i'm just lonely and bored.

Day Before Independence

I'm scared.

... and I don't want to be alone.

Hold my hand? I don't let go, 

Let's begin again. 

22 1/3 years attempting to fool 

the curious and doubtful, don't worry.

2 years paying for the debt, 

and now I'm proud enough to make it up to you...

Soberly and True, 

allow me to make it up 

for you. So let me 

introduce to you... 

Lizzie, BE COOL

Write Sad.

Talk about Momma and Dad,

Katie Bird, Phil & Lil,

Petipa, Georgie, plus Casey

(female) now dead.

Laura, Flynn & Casserly;

Boys Last-Named Zuckerman, Martin, Madison, Denvir, & Scall.

Before Scarlet, Hamlet, Freddie or Spain;

There's a girl I'd like to introduce,

the flutist prodigy, ballerina, and future Pathologist

(post schooling- medicine; but all dead)

The best friend and former expert on 

Elizabeth the First, Anne Frank, 

& Egyptian nostril cavities. 

She only wore pink, but 

don't be decieved. Her day dreams 

got her thinking morbidly. 

My Seven Year Old Self,

and the best character 

I've yet to play.  

"good morning joan"

the only thing that seems natural right now is to bake cupcakes.

they're not homemade. but i only use strawberry cake mix. so it's better then fancy baked from scratch. or i justify it that way. only because i had a february birthday, and a mother who brought seasonly appropriate treats for my elementary school class.

do you remember when you were too old to bring cupcakes to school on your birthday?

it broke my heart, like the december night after my mommy read a christmas story (we read advent in children's literature). her hand flipped the switch to my light, but before she shut the door i called out to her; "mom? santa isn't real is her?"

more of a whisper and full of desperate fear. 

she sat down on my bed, and let me down easier then any human being in all history.

i woke up yesterday morning, too early for a twenty two year old girl living in boston for the summer with nothing to do but wonder what to do, and miley cyrus performed on good morning america. then, after a spliff i stumbled upon freedom writers... i couldn't help myself, i cried for two straight hours. i hate hilary swank. i hate how movies about cancer and gangs get lazy and whip a tear jearker out. though, i did take a lot from it (i.e perspective on my easy life that is without any pain when really analyzed) including puffy eyes for the rest of the day.

i made origami swans while watching platoon yesterday.

i'm bringing the guy i get mary jane from cupcakes. they have his name in white frosting with hearts and peace signs. 

i memorized the first paragraph of the declaration of independence yesterday. today, i plan on memorizing the next. 

funny how it feels like i'm having fun for the first time since fifteen.

but jeez, when it's been that long... who remembers?

wait. just wait a minute. 

my fun is lonesome, it's just hard to explain to you; but i know this is the reason my soul knows it's supposed to write.

any day i'll write in a way that will hit you and heal your soul

so my mind

can get a break

american woman

january 2008- july 2008

2. the VOLDERMORT

facebook is probably making me feel more lonely then without it

it's fucked

danger lurks when you wonder what the fuck the point of existence is

  this generation has no answers to this alien life

1. "i want to cut up dead people and see how they die"

i should never have given up my childhood dreams of becoming a pathologist.

such a realist. 

i was going to be a stand up comedian but i think i went past humor in to rapping.

that's what happens when you're a lady in a sea full of whores; where in america

if you are a straight man, you are a pirate.